The old is gone, the new has come...

I’m baaaaaaaaack!  And, strong in the Lord!!!!

My Daddy is so BIG, so STRONG, so MIGHTY!  He is so faithful.  He keeps His promises.  He binds up the broken-hearted!  He is speaking loudly to His children…even today!  He is jealous for our attentions.  He is revealing a righteous anger (in protection) over His flock.  He is taking us back (from our bondages), building us up (strengthening, lengthening, deepening and widening) and making us whole (as we were created to be).

I can’t even begin to tell you all that I have learned about Daddy, about myself, about others during this process.  Today, I am a different person.  I am a whole person.  Whole does not mean perfect.  Whole means content with who God purposed me to be.  Whole means to accept every part of myself, but to be flexible enough to allow God to change that in which needs to be changed.  Whole means being restored and healed to our original intent.  Whole isn’t easy, let me tell you!  My transformation was a horrible, painful, beautiful process.  There were multiple times of agony, on my knees sobbing before the Lord to put me out of my misery because the pain was so bad.  The spiritual, almost physical ache of Daddy tearing out the shrapnel of my past was almost unbearable.  Burying the old man, and forming someone who is strengthened in Him – a new creation, was inevitable because what He had purposed, there was no way that anyone could stop Him!

Ephesians 3:16 – That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His spirit in the inner man.

Isaiah 58:11 – The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in drought, and strengthen your bones; you shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

Daddy – thank you for how faithful you are.  Thank you for wanting us, desiring us, delighting in us, being jealous for our hearts, changing us, sifting us, replacing those broken places in our lives with wholeness.  Lord, I pray over my friends that they might find joy.  I pray that we learn to live our lives abandoned to you.  I pray Your healing (restorative surgery) in lives this day.  I pray victory over things that have taken our time, taken our hearts, and robbed us of joy.  I pray free living!  Daddy, I claim that today be the day that people walk in confidence in who they were created to be!  I pray your healing balm over the crumbled clay pots that we are.  I pray that you revive us!  Restore us!  Renew us!  I pray your oil of joy, full to overflowing.  I pray that the Spirit indwells us so completely that whenever someone even steps in our space, they are filled too.  I ask for an awakening in our hearts, God.  I ask for new beginnings and the end to that which harms us.  Daddy, thank you for changing me.  Thank you for sifting me.  Thank you for loving me so much that you sacrificed yourself so that you could save my life.  I love you my Daddy, my King. 

Dealing with loss

In these times, we see constant destruction and heartache.  Physical deaths, spiritual attacks, mental disabilities (we all have them, don't deny it).  But, what I have come to realize over the years, is how we deal with those losses will infinitely affect the direction of our lives.  Our "destiny", for lack of a better term, is influenced by our decisions and by our reactions.  Have you ever noticed that in the process of healing, our reactions differ from circumstance to circumstance?  Our reactions tend to be severe at first, and then if we are allowing ourselves to be used/molded/HEALED by God, we start to bring Daddy into the equation.  We look to Him before we react.  We may still be full of emotion, but we learn from the consequences of our reactions in the past. 

One loss from my life sticks out in my thoughts.  Not because of what happened, as much as the way that I reacted (surprisingly different than how I have reacted as an adult).  - one of childlikeness

I know very little about my biological family.  But, I do know that my bio mom had many children, by many different men.  I had a half sister named Sheila.  I didn't remember much of her as I was adopted pretty young (around 6ish years old). 

I was around 8 years old.  My adopted mom woke me up.  She gently wiped her hand down my face, which was a thing that my adopted dad and I did.  I woke up with a smile on my face.  I looked into my mom's face, though, and felt her sadness.  I asked right away, "What's wrong?".  She smiled sadly.  "Something happened...", she said.  "It doesn't have to do with Denise, Dennis or Sheri, does it?!?!?" "No.  It happened to your sister, Sheila."  I didn't really know Sheila at that time.  It had been a long time since I had been left at the truck stop by my bio mom.  "What happened?"  "Sheila died."  I believe Sheila was about 5 years old at that time.  She had been in the foster care system and had been playing with her foster brother's gun and shot herself.  "Well, I am thankful to Jesus that it wasn't Denise, Dennis or Sheri...." 

I wish I could say that I still react to trauma that way.  I was just so glad that no one in my immediate circle wasn't taken away from me.  I went to Sheila's funeral.  I remember at the wake, looking down at her little body, feeling sorry that I had not known her better.  Later on in life, I tried looking for her grave.  We never did find it...

I want to be so confident in my Daddy that I can react in any situation with grace, a peaceful heart, a gentle spirit.  As adults, we get so bent with our circumstances.  We get so angry, so self righteous.  I pray that Daddy continues to work on me.  I want my attitude to spill positively over on others...

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.  When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you."  Isaiah 43:2

Why does pain keep coming back?

I have been pondering these last few days/weeks why hurt around certain situations keeps rearing its ugly head - mostly when we least expect it.  While I am not certain if I have the answer, what came into my thoughts almost immediately (and actually made me stop and ponder it) was that every time pain creeps into our hearts bringing up tender aches inside of us, we have a choice.  We have the choice to allow it to hurt us again, or we have a choice to work on being the overcomers that God has created us to be and face the situation with confidence that this too shall one day pass. 
Sometimes those aches become addictions to our soul.  Almost as though we can't live without the hurt.  Or, moreso, we are incapable of coping without that yoke of pain inside of us. 

I quit smoking 1 1/2 years ago.  I had a dream 1 1/2 years prior to the time I quit.  In this dream, God spoke to me directly and said, "Kelli, Beloved, you need to quit smoking.  It will be really hard for 3 months.  But, when you do, you will reap eternal blessings."  And you know, when I woke up, the only thing that resonated with me was that it would be really hard for 3 months.  Not the fact that the King of Kings spoke to me in a dream.  Not that I would reap eternal blessings.  It was fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of not having my crutch to lean on any more.  Fear that Daddy would really let me down.  Fear, fear, and more fear. 

I wish I could tell you that my heart changed, that I was a willing participant and didn't give Daddy any crap...but that would be a lie.  It was hard.  Harder still after the first 3 months.  Probably because my attitude stunk, making it harder for God to tear down the barriers of my addiction.  I was still driven by fear.  I was angry that Daddy didn't take the cravings away from me (because I knew He could!).  I was angry that He hadn't blessed me with all the abundance I thought I deserved (with a heart of stone, no less).  I don't know how long it took for me to finally lay my will down (throwing my hands up in frustration that I wasn't making head-way under my own understanding) and humbling myself to a point where I could hear God's voice of reason.  I remember with every craving, whether crying, contending or whispering, I would speak out the name of Jesus.  And, He never failed me.  Today, I think about the agony that I put myself through by just wanting to do things my way.  I tell people constantly that pat me on the back for quitting, that it certainly was not by anything I did, but by His grace, His mercy, His patience.  The only thing I did was to make a choice daily to listen to the voice of Jesus instead of the voice of the enemy and the voice of my pain.  HA!  That almost makes it sound easy.  And, it wasn't.  But, God is faithful and if His children call out to Him...He answers.

There are things in all of our lives that He is willing to remove if we allow Him to enter in.  But, let's be honest, it isn't going to feel good.  It is going to hurt and you are going to want that pain to stop the very moment it enters you (at least, that has been the case with me!).  THE PAIN IS TEMPORARY!  You are not alone!  Your Daddy, the creator of the universe is standing with you.  He is not only holding you, but He is delighting in you through your process.  He sees the final outcome ... The victory!  The freedom!  The deliverance!  The courage to overcome!  Every time we overcome, we heal!!

I encourage you during those times of pain, to look at where that pain is really coming from.  And, give it to the Lord.  He can handle it.  You and I will come out the other side of this grief stronger and better able to overcome it the next time it invades our thoughts.  We will believe more in the power of prayer because we are on our faces in desperation.  We will know that our Daddy fights for us and if He is for us, who dare be against us. 

Beloved, know this.  With every problem, God gives us a promise and a provision. 

He created us to be salt and light and this process is to get us there faster.

Baby steps

I have been spending a lot of time in the presence of God, lately.  Desperation does that.  When you are desperate, it is best to be desperate for God.  I have been on my face pleading with Him to show me His glory, His forgiveness, His love, His pleasure, His faithfulness and His sufficiency.  What He has done is He has lifted me from the miry clay, rinsing me in His oil of joy, drying me with His tender hands, and pushing me back off the ledge to "try again". 

I have found restoration within my soul.  I have a sense of freedom.  Although I am not always happy about what is going on around me, I have a joy bubbling up inside of me like a wellspring.  I am excited that God's desire is for me to be the fullest version of who He created me to be.  I feel the dead weight of my baggage being carted away from me - bit by bit, not all at once, mind you. 

I pray the same for you...  Close your eyes for a moment.  Imagine drinking deeply of His truth.  Opening your hands and releasing your burdens to Him who died for them.  And, being free...

Identity

As you may have noticed, I take breaks in between the stories of my life.  I think it is self preservation.  This is hard stuff being completely transparent…and, so publicly as writing a blog.  But, I know that the purpose of this blog is bigger than me and my hope and prayer continues to be that while this may be painful to lay out the story of my life at times, it will ultimately be a blessing to those who read it.  I truly hope that while you read this blog you will find freedom in those tender places.  I ask that you prepare a place where our Daddy can come in and massage your heart.  What I know to be true is that our Daddy is a good Daddy.  He is patient.  He awaits the day when we come to Him with all of our pain.  When we lay our hurts down at the foot of the cross.  When we open our hands into a receiving position and give Him everything.  When we posture our hearts in a way that He can fill in that God shaped hole. 

I have had a vision that I want to share with you.  Please let this permeate your very being… 

I have been battered, broken and beaten.  I am bloody, my clothes are torn and stained.  I am a mess.  I am weeping, I hurt so badly.  I see my Daddy in the distance and I start running toward Him.  Tears are streaming down my face.  I don’t know if I can make it to Him, but I use every last bit of strength I have.  He is dressed in fine robes.  He is royalty, you know.  He opens His arms to me and I run into Him weeping, broken, bloody, battered and beaten.  He embraces me.  He doesn’t pay any attention to his robes getting dirty and bloody.  He holds me and He cries with me.  He lets me stay cradled in His lap until I am spent and can cry no longer.  Then, He gently wipes the blood and dirt off of me.  He dresses me in robes.  He calls me His bride…

I have had a really hard time realizing that my identity comes from my Daddy and not that of this world.  My entire life I have felt as if I were a throwaway.  That I was actually a mistake and there was no purpose for my existence. 

When I was around 6 years old, I was adopted by my parents who I call my parents today.  It was my 6^th birthday present, I think.  I was so excited that I finally had a family to call my own!  Trying to start a new life, they gave me a new name.  I was born as Vanessa Marie.  I had to put that identity behind me and grow into Kelli Sue.  I remember the endless tape recording that it took to “memorize” my new identity.  “My name is Vanessa Marie…no, no, sorry, my name is Kelli Sue Ward.”  My parents never meant any harm by renaming me – they just wanted a fresh start, but in my childish mind, what was really happening, was that I needed to be changed into someone brand new because the old me wasn’t good enough.  Maybe this new identity would make me worthy, to make me someone of value.  I wanted to be accepted for who I was…

I am in process.  What I am slowing (snail like) coming to realize is that God doesn’t make crap.  He thought up each and every one of us.  He personally chose our gifts, abilities and talents.  He formed us in our mothers wombs.  But, the most important thing is that HE, the Creator of the universe, wanted and desired us to be here, in fellowship with Him as part of the Bride.  We are not accidents.

It wasn't until later that I realized, through theophostic prayer, that God used both identities to form me into who I am today...Vanessa means butterfly.  For those who really know me, butterflies bring me face to face with Jesus.  I have been that way for as long as I could remember.  Whenever I see a butterfly, I delight in the fact that Jesus is with me.  My heart expanded as I realized that Daddy knew (and treasured/delighted in) that intimate detail about me.  Kelli means warrior.  (smiling)  That is me.  I war on behalf of those I love.  I war in the spiritual and I war in the natural - through prayer and intercession, not physically.  I fight for people to be free...

God made me a worshipper, so music speaks volumes to my spirit.  This is one of my fave’s…

LeCrea  - Lyrics to The Bride :

[Hook:]
Yeah she may look gritty
When her man come back she gone look so pretty - She the Church
You might see her acting crazy, be patient with her tho cause she still God's baby - She the Church
Before you dis her get to know her, Jesus got a thing fo her and died just to show her - She the Church
She ain't bricks and buildings
She all of God's people Men women and children

[Verse 1:]
A building of beings being constructed
Christ is the cornerstone, foundation build on another and you's a goner holmes
She' built on em, supported by him, conformed to him, now she's a body of bodies who transform through him
A temple that breathes we are the halls,
We are the floor board or more we are the walls
Manifold wisdom of God no longer a mystery
The church is the pinnacle of our salvific history
One flesh union homie
The Tri-union is glorified through our corporatized communion
Still the present reality is she was born a casualty though she's made alive
She's affected by depravity
Once lived in sin and enslaved by her lust and
Folks catch her slippin and they turn away disgusted
She's a work in progress Christ is the head of her
And He wash her clean with the words that he done said to her
She's already pretty but she's really not dressed and sometimes she look silly but she's far from a mess
Yes, please so don't be dissin cause Jesus done paid grip an
And if you didn't then should caller her Misses. I'm talking bout the church

[Verse 2:]
Her name is ecclesia meaning the the assembly
Bows to (the Trinity) No other Divinity
A body family and community she is all one
But on earth you see her in congregational small ones
A microcosm or a small scale example
But yes it is the church even though it's just a sample
Invisible spiritual
Physical visible
Not a brick temple never that simple
This a not a building
She is not bricks
She's a world changer but ain't bout getting rich
Perpetrating fakes cause a lot of folks to hate
Plus her hands get dirty and her feet get scraped
And sometimes her body parts start acting outa place
Legs tryna be arms
Arms thinking they the face
But she'll never be replaced with a one man band or a small Taliban with no body in command

[Verse 3:]
Some don't get it so they hate
They say she's on a paper chase they say she's really fake
So they go start a ministry so they can do the work
But they don't understand how Jesus feel about His church
And yeah they make disciples
They got plenty conversions
They take care of the widows and the orphans they be workin
But none of them are churchin
No church structure
No elders and no discipline
They don't have a conductor
And they so they don't submit
But quite a few of them baptize
People how I pray that you'd look at this thing from God's eyes
Take responsibility inside the whole council not just the area where you might have a mouthful
Who should people submit to
Who will conduct the discipline
If excommunicated what body will they be missing then
Look at Ephesians 4 where Paul gets practical
1st timothy and Titus if you thinking I'm irrational

Yeah she may look gritty
When her man come back she gone look so pretty - She the Church
You might see her acting crazy, be patient with her tho cause she still God's baby - She the Church
Before you dis her get to know her, Jesus got a thing fo her and died just to show her - She the Church
She ain't bricks and buildings
She all of God's people Men women and children

[Verse 1:]
A building of beings being constructed
Christ is the cornerstone, foundation build on another and you's a goner holmes
She' built on em, supported by him, conformed to him, now she's a body of bodies who transform through him
A temple that breathes we are the halls,
We are the floor board or more we are the walls
Manifold wisdom of God no longer a mystery
The church is the pinnacle of our salvific history
One flesh union homie
The Tri-union is glorified through our corporatized communion
Still the present reality is she was born a casualty though she's made alive
She's affected by depravity
Once lived in sin and enslaved by her lust and
Folks catch her slippin and they turn away disgusted
She's a work in progress Christ is the head of her
And He wash her clean with the words that he done said to her
She's already pretty but she's really not dressed and sometimes she look silly but she's far from a mess
Yes, please so don't be dissin cause Jesus done paid grip an
And if you didn't then should caller her Misses. I'm talking bout the church

[Verse 2:]
Her name is ecclesia meaning the the assembly
Bows to (the Trinity) No other Divinity
A body family and community she is all one
But on earth you see her in congregational small ones
A microcosm or a small scale example
But yes it is the church even though it's just a sample
Invisible spiritual
Physical visible
Not a brick temple never that simple
This a not a building
She is not bricks
She's a world changer but ain't bout getting rich
Perpetrating fakes cause a lot of folks to hate
Plus her hands get dirty and her feet get scraped
And sometimes her body parts start acting outa place
Legs tryna be arms
Arms thinking they the face
But she'll never be replaced with a one man band or a small Taliban with no body in command

[Verse 3:]
Some don't get it so they hate
They say she's on a paper chase they say she's really fake
So they go start a ministry so they can do the work
But they don't understand how Jesus feel about His church
And yeah they make disciples
They got plenty conversions
They take care of the widows and the orphans they be workin
But none of them are churchin
No church structure
No elders and no discipline
They don't have a conductor
And they so they don't submit
But quite a few of them baptize
People how I pray that you'd look at this thing from God's eyes
Take responsibility inside the whole council not just the area where you might have a mouthful
Who should people submit to
Who will conduct the discipline
If excommunicated what body will they be missing then
Look at Ephesians 4 where Paul gets practical
1st timothy and Titus if you thinking I'm irrational

Verses to live by

2 Thessalonians 3 – Prayer/deliverance
1 Timothy 2:8 – Lift up holy hands without anger
2 Timothy 1:6-7 – Fan God’s gift into flame
2 Timothy 1:14 – Guard the good deposit
Ephesians 6:10-20 – Armor
Ephesians 4:17-32 – Live as children of light
Ephesians 4:2-4 – Be humble, gentle. Keep unity.
2 Corinthians 12:9 – God’s grace is sufficient; His power in our weakness
2 Corinthians 4 – Treasures in jars of clay
2 Corinthians 1:3-7 – God comforts us to comfort others
1 Corinthians 12:12 – One body, many parts
Romans 5:3 – Rejoice in our sufferings
Hebrews 3:12-15 – Guard our hearts, encourage one another
1 Timothy 1:18 – By prophecy, wage a good warfare
1 Corinthians 13:8 – Partial/Progressive
Exodus 6 – Conditional; dependent on human behavior

Forgiveness - Releasing anothers debt

Can we talk about forgiveness today? During my counseling/theophostic sessions, I have realized that I have harbored (am harboring) unforgiveness when remembering certain circumstances brought up from my past. So, to embrace healing, I need to embrace forgiveness and what that really entails. These are my sermon notes from a 2006 message that Joel Alberti preached at Mad City Church. I pray that we all glean from this wisdom, that we partake in forgiving those who have hurt us, and that we release them from the debt against us.

Forgiving others:

Do not ignore what happened
Forgiveness is not excusing people for the wrongs they have done
It is not reconciliation or restoration
It is not forgetting

Forgiving is:

The act of setting someone free from a debt. Giving (freely) mercy

We have been TOTALLY forgiven by God.

We should look to how Christ forgave us and use that as our guideline.

Matthew 18:32-33

Pay it forward (forgive as we have been forgiven)!

Leave a legacy. How do you want people to remember you? I don't want to be known as a bitter person. I want to be known as someone who lived freely because they allowed others to live freely.

Colossians 3:13

Qualities of forgiveness:

Choice to forgive – Forgiveness is a choice to give up resentment and offer a gift of mercy to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Act of will. Obedience to Christ. This is a process.

Willingness to face reality – Be wise. Do not have a hardened heart, be honest with yourself. Forgiveness promotes strength and obedience.

Condition of the heart – God is in control. Do I trust Him to take care of things?

Matthew 18:15, 21-22

Refuse to punish others for their wrongdoing against you.

Refuse to remember the wrongs against you. Do NOT use weapons against those who have hurt you.

Refuse to pass on offense. Do not gossip, go straight to the person who hurt you and work it out with them face to face.

Ask for blessings upon those who hurt you.

Matthew 5:43-44

Develop God’s perspective. See the bigger picture. Love as God loves. Leave ME out of the equation. Allow God to soften my heart. Have grace on others because they are hurting too. God loves everyone. We are all sinners. Love your enemies and pray for them.

God is sovereign! God knows what He is doing. Trust Him! Don’t question Him.

Matthew 6:14-15

How do I know if I have truly forgiven?

Faced reality and released debt.
Knowing someone is not sorry.
Relinquish the right to keep score (keep no record of wrongs)
Empathize with the other person.
Know God forgives them as He forgives you.

Consequences of unforgivness:

Prison and torment for me, not the person who hurt me.
Inner torment
Bitterness/resentment
Strongholds
Robbers of peace and joy.
Inability to get along with others.
Untrusting, blaming, critical, pessimist, victim mentality
Breach in relationship with God.

Daddy, I want to pray for the grace to forgive others freely. To free others from their debt against us. Help us to forgive as you forgive. I pray peace over every individual situation we are faced with. Daddy, I pray that every time a seedling of bitterness or a seedling of offense rises up inside of us, we remember the sacrifice You made on our behalf. I pray that we are teachable. I pray that our hearts are filled with compassion instead of spite. Daddy, forgive me for not forgiving others.

More on love...

I know many of you have heard me say that God has me in a season of "loving better". I am not even certain what this means or entails, but I know that God is working in and through me to make me into the "lover" that He has created me to be. The process has been surprisingly intense, painful, refining and lovely, all at the same time. God has enlarged the expanses of my heart. He has brought me face to face with the lies that have bound me since childhood. He has literally ripped shrapnel from my past, has bandaged those broken places with His tenderness and His oil of joy, and is massaging my heart back to wholeness.

Is God calling you to "love better"? To have a little more grace for that co-worker that gets on your nerves. To provide "random acts of kindness" to someone. To pray a blessing over someone you don't get along with.

My daughter's teacher pulled me aside at the beginning of the year and told me a story of how Lexi loved well. There is a girl in Lexi's class named Cassie that has special needs. She struggles with anger and had been physically abusive in prior settings. Every day, Lexi came into school and hugged Cassie. Her friends made fun of her, but she kept doing it. She always included Cassie in her recess activities and offered to sit by her at lunch. Lexi's teacher told Lexi that it wasn't safe to hug on Cassie like she did because Cassie had anger problems and could really hurt Lexi. Lexi felt really bad, but listened to her teacher. That very day, at the end of the school day during "Gratitude Attitudes" (telling who/what they are grateful for), when it was Cassie's turn, Cassie said, "I am grateful for my only friend Lexi. Because she hugs me everyday. And that makes me not want to hit anyone." Lexi was allowed to hug Cassie everyday thereafter. God is speaking to the hearts of our children, as well as into ours.

Daddy, give us opportunities to love better. Give us eyes to see and ears to hear the needs of those around us. Bring us to a place of preferring others over ourselves. Help us to be sensitive to the situations you bring us into at home, in our places of fellowship, at church and at work. Use us Lord to love the unlovable, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, encourage the despairing, and rescue (pray for) the oppressed. We give you our hands and feet, we give you our hearts and minds, we give you our finances and our possessions. We acknowledge that everything we have has been given to us by You, our loving Daddy. We cast our eyes on You, the source of our peace and our hope; the author and perfector of our lives. Draw us near so that we may know You more deeply, so that we have even more to give back to You and to others... Amen.

Blessings, my friends. May you be refreshed by the love of our Daddy today.

Bridges, not walls

"Building bridges, not walls" - Joyce Meyer

Ephesians 2:14 - For He is our peace. He has made us both one, and has broken down the hostile dividing wall between us.

"One day while I was praying, the Holy Spirit showed me that my life had become a bridge for others to pass over and find their place in God. For many years, I erected only walls in my life; but now where there were walls, there are bridges instead. All the difficult and unfair things that have happened to me have been turned into highways over which others can pass to find the same liberty I have found. I have learned to build bridges instead of walls.

In Hebrews 5:9 Jesus is referred to as "the Author and Source of eternal salvation." He pioneered a pathway to God for us. He became a highway for us to pass over. It is as though He faced a giant forest and went in ahead of us so that when we came along we could drive right through it without having to fight all the elements and the density of the forest. He sacrificed Himself for us; and now that we are benefiting from His sacrifice, He is giving us a chance to sacrifice for others so they can reap the same benefits we enjoy.

Hebrews 12:2 says that Jesus endured the cross for the joy of obtaining the prize that was set before Him. I like to remind myself of that fact when the way seems hard. I tell myself, "Keep pressing on!" Ther is JOY ahead."

Make a decision to tear down your walls and build bridges. There are many, many people who are lost in their messes and need someone to go before them and show them the way. Why not be that person for them? Walls or bridges? The choice is yours."

I hope you choose to be a bridge…I have.

WHOOT!

I don't know about you, but these last few weeks have been a time of refining (iron sharpening iron). God is lengthening, strengthening, deepening and widening my heart for others. He is speaking truth where lies previously resided. He is painfully picking away the shrapnel of my past, and replacing it with His tenderness, His mercies, His grace and His abounding, unconditional love. Mmmmm... Can we rest in that for a moment? The God of the universe, that created life, created us. He desired us. He formed us to be in relationship with Him. All because He loves us. I pray that God captivates your heart as He has captivated mine. I pray that your soul is refreshed. That God replaces the shrapnel in your life, with His tender truth.

"God is love and all who live in love live in God and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect." 1 John 4:16-17

My heart aches with joy and excitement to be on this adventure. My hope for you is that during the coming months, you are restored to a whole version of who you were meant to be in Christ. In that wholeness, we can really witness to those around us. In that wholeness, the light of Jesus/Spirit/God will shine forth. In that wholeness, people will be drawn to us and want what we have.

To love or not to love

My heart hurts today for everyone that I have ever hurt...willingly or unwillingly. Talk about a yoke of bondage! (No wonder Jesus says to lay all of our burdens at the foot of the cross! In order to live/walk in freedom, we must release our yoke and put it upon Him who suffered and died for it.) Maybe God is convicting me to really think before I act/speak. Yet again, He is peeling me back layer by layer, bringing to the surface all the hidden shrapnel that has laid waste inside of me.

God has called me into a season of “loving better”. I am not sure if I really like this season. Not that I don’t long to love better…it’s just that I don’t like coming to terms with how I haven’t loved well in the past. I feel guilty and condemned for not being a perfect lover. But, that doesn't come from the Lord. Those are the remains from lies past... God isn't doing this to spite me, but to reveal to me how to love with HIS pure, unconditional love. A heart that loves without judgement. Imagine this - being loved for EXACTLY who you are. No if’s, and’s or but’s about it. I love you. Period. No strings attached. Tears gather in my eyes just thinking of that. To be honest, I think the reason I can’t love like this (yet!) is because I have never experienced it myself. Or allowed myself to. There is only One who can really love me/you in that way.

I think what it boils down to, and this is me owning my issues, is that I have had unreasonable expectations on those I care about. I have sought perfection and when I didn't find it, I got disappointed. No one can live up to to perfection, because no one is perfect. So, Daddy...work in me! Heal me! Deliver me! And teach me to love both the lovable and unlovable things in others. I want to be loved wholly for who I am. Guide my thoughts, words and actions. Heal my heart so I can love with wholeness. Tether me to truth, Daddy.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. (NIV)

Age 4-5

Ok, so now this is more real. I have started a blog to tell my story. Typically, at this point, I would run for the hills. I would do everything in my power to shut people out so they couldn't get close - so they wouldn't see who I really was/am. I would shut down my blog and build my wall again. But this time...well, that's not an option. I am scared...but...I am sensing a call on my life that is bigger than me and my insecurities (I say this humbly, as God can do all things for His purpose/plan/will to be done). Once again, I say, "Satan, move behind me", and run toward freedom from the blanket of darkness that was cast on me a long time ago.

NOTE: My age in these stories are questionable. I have no scale for age, so I am guessing on what I have been told.

Jesus did save me that day at the truckstop. He protected me. I don't have any recollection of what happened during those 13 hours alone, but I have peace knowing that my Daddy held me as my bio mom abandoned me.

Once the social worker picked me up, I was taken to my bio mom's sisters house. I will call her Aunt B. As soon as the social worker left, she stripped off all of my clothes and started burning me with cigarettes. I never understood what I did to deserve the things she did to me, but I supposed that I was just in denial over the horrible child I was. Aunt B. was addicted to drugs and maybe that was what made her do as she did. In order to get drugs, I was "traded". Favors for drugs. Not quite 5 years old. This season of life is something that has completely escaped my thoughts. God's protection maybe...or my denial. I don't remember details. My mind just skips over that chapter of my life.

Aunt B. hated me with everything inside of her, but so did her kids. I remember dying...or thinking I was going to die. Her kids "hung" me from the top bunk of their bunkbed (my neck was hanging between the bed and the wall). Luckily, someone came in and rescued me before I passed out.

When I wasn't the object of Aunt B's (or her kids') wrath, she locked me in a closet for days at a time. She didn't feed me, I didn't have anything to do. But, at least I was safe in there.

I don't know how it happened (my mind has no recollection yet), but I was taken away from her and put into a hospital for a very long time (I have heard a year). I was in the hospital for malnutrition. Makes sense when you aren't fed. Think of one of those kiddo's on the St Jude commercials. Belly protruding. Yep. That was me. My only visitor was my mom who I now call mom. She brought me a doll that played sounds.

I was happy in the hospital. The nurses loved me. Christmas went by and I got little gifts and candies. Easter went by and I got to meet the Easter bunny.

I would get so excited for the attention that I took advantage that my nurses would be there all the time. I remember hitting the "call" button to tell them all about the TV show I was watching. They scolded me that I could only use the button for something serious. I had nose bleeds so bad (still not sure why) that I would wake up and my entire bed would be covered in blood. One morning I woke up and the entire bed was soaked in blood. Smugly, knowing I had an excuse to call my favorite ladies, I hit the "call" button. My nurse came in and immediately started weeping. I wasn't sure why she was crying, but I thought I had upset her. I didn't hit the "call" button after that.

...to be continued

Free Indeed

"We can only love because we are born out of love, that we can only give because our life is a gift, and that we can only make others free because we are set free by Him whose heart is greater than ours"

I don't know about you, but Daddy has been transforming my life, my heart, my ways in the past several weeks. Many of you know what it is like to be a parent. When you have your first child, your heart overflows with an in-dwelling of love. You know without a doubt that you could love no bigger. But, now imagine another child. What happens? Does this mean that you have no love left for your second child. I have imagined this scenario many times in my heart and head. I think it comes from a place of disbelief that Daddy loves us all so completely and so individually. What Daddy has been teaching me over these past several weeks is that He purposed us into existence. He thought of each one of us before we were born. He dreamily created us in His mind before creating us with His hands. He envisioned our gifts and abilities. He knit us into our mothers womb as a one-and-only creation. What I have come to realize is that after child number 1 our heart doesn't wither up and die. It expands. It lengthens, widens, deepens. It grows larger to love another equally. We are different people, you and I. It doesn't make us better than another. Our gifts aren't more usable than another. We are loved the same by the King of Kings. He is fond of us all. We are all His favorites.

I ask that during these next weeks and months, that you forge your identity in Christ - with truth as your guide, not lies from the past, not the identity that others have spoken over you. I pray that you give yourself an honest assessment of how you feel about yourself and then note the truth of our Daddy: He says, "I enjoy you, I love you, I desire you, I delight in you and I made you exactly the way that I planned."

My heart is to see the captives set free. By that, I mean that I want to see my brothers and sisters in Christ living/walking in freedom. Living a victorious life. You have overcome the past. I pray that you are drinking deeply of His promises, of His truth, of life abundant.

Daddy, help us do as You do. Help us love as You love. Help us say as You say. Help us pray as You pray.

Shakings

I don't know about you, but these last several weeks have been a time of trial, testing and shaking the very ground/foundation that I stand on. I have peace that God is in control of every situation and holds every circumstance in the palm of His hand. He uses every situation for His good and for His glory. So, my friends, my mantra still stands - with every problem, God gives us a promise and a provision. Are you being shaken? If so, let me give you a little encouragement…
Consider for a few moments your own customized shakings that have required a personal response or brought about a life change; some that have actually helped shape you into the person you are today. Certainly some deal with more severe, extended, or frequent types of "shakings" than others.
The entire chapter of Psalm 107 describes the shakings that took place while the Jews were exiled in Babylon. The ultimate reason for these shakings was to guide these people to God so they could recognize their blessings were from Him. When we keep the eternal perspective in the midst of our difficulties we will be quick to recognize the Lord's blessings and breathe a sigh that we have a faithful God who cares very deeply for our individual process…without looking too deeply into the earthly reasoning behind it.

Shakings are an inevitable part of our journey, so we might as well get used to it and learn to deal with it. Here is a promise we can depend on - We are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken. We can find peace about our unpredictable future here on earth by purposefully focusing our attention on our promised future in heaven where our citizenship (adopted by Daddy) lies in a "kingdom that cannot be shaken."

Our journey through this life is but a transition to the future Kingdom God has prepared for us. I am convinced that very early in eternity we will recognize how brief our earthly journey really was, although since at this time earthly is all we know, it seems long and wholly significant!

That said, I want to encourage you all today to get the utmost out of your "shakings". I believe that these times of transition are relative to the final outcome of our individual identities. I wish to be all that God wants me to be. I pray that Daddy hold's you during your times of shaking, but uses this time to bring you into the fullness of who you are.

Age 4

There is goodness and badness in everyone.  Don't think you don't have it in you to do something way out of your character.  Given a curious circumstance, anything can happen.

My mom left me at a truckstop when I was 4 years old.  She was running away because she was supposed to serve 6 months jail time for being busted for prostitution.  I remember it being a nice, warm, sunshiney day.  I was wearing a white pair of underwear.  I was looking up at my mom (she looked very tall with my 4 year old eyes!).  She was quiet and I heard myself say, "Momma, I'm gonna be alright."  She looked at me briefly, turned around and walked away.  I just watched her walk away.  I didn't say anything.  I didn't chase after her.  I just watched.  13 hours later, I was picked up by a social worker.

Up until recently, I hadn't been able to remember beyond that.  During my life since then, I had thought about that time as a story...part of who I was, but a story that I was pretty separated from.  Until...I noticed patterns in my life.  Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, thoughts that I was a "throw away".  A "worthless" attitude.  I have to laugh now.  I always thought that I was completely unscathed by my past.  During the past few months, God has been working on me, layer by layer, ugly by ugly, stain by stain, putting me head first into the pit of my past. 

I was pretty upset with God for a while.  I thought, "Who in their right mind would do that?!?!  Who would give up their child like that?  God, where were you in all of this?"  It wasn't until I had a theophostic session that I really understood.  Theophostic is inviting God into those places of brokenness in our lives.  Not just inviting Him, but provoking an intimate dealing with the problem at hand.  Getting to the core of a problem, running head first toward it and yanking it out...no matter how badly it hurts.  After an hour and a half of sobbing/weeping, God showed me a picture.  After my mom turned around and walked away, I turned around.  And there He was.  My Daddy, Jesus, reaching His hand out to me.  I take it with no hesitation.  But before we walk away, I turn around and reach my other hand out toward my mom.  She didn't take my hand.  It didn't bother me, though.  I was safe in the arms of my Daddy. 

...to be continued

Introduction

Ok, so I write better than I speak.  When I speak, I stumble around with my words and I can't relay the full intent of my heart.  So, this blog is going to be my outlet...my therapy.  Ever since I was a little kid, I would go into my little world of writing (songs, short stories) to get away from my reality, or to voice my opinions because I was too afraid to as a child.  The purpose of this blog is to stop running away from, and start running to a greater realization of why I was put on this earth - my identity in Christ.  Who is Kelli Ward?  Why did the God of the universe (my Daddy) choose me for "such a time as this"?  Will you take this journey with me?  I encourage you to ask questions, to dig deeper into the recesses of who I am.  Be gentle with me, for I am a work in progress.  I pray that this blog isn't only healing for me, but that it touches you in those tender places, as well. 

Daddy, I ask that you bless this endeavor of the heart.  You have planted a seedling in my heart and confirmed it in my spirit.  I ask that you water it, that you fertilize it and that you protect it as a precious sacrifice to You.  I pray that with every word written, a stone falls, a wall is broken and a bridge is built. I wish to live in freedom once and for all.  Thank you for your faithfulness.  Thank you for an army of believers standing beside me and behind me.  Let my thoughts be your thoughts, Daddy.  Guard my thoughts, words and actions always.  I love you, my King. Amen