Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Identity

As you may have noticed, I take breaks in between the stories of my life.  I think it is self preservation.  This is hard stuff being completely transparent…and, so publicly as writing a blog.  But, I know that the purpose of this blog is bigger than me and my hope and prayer continues to be that while this may be painful to lay out the story of my life at times, it will ultimately be a blessing to those who read it.  I truly hope that while you read this blog you will find freedom in those tender places.  I ask that you prepare a place where our Daddy can come in and massage your heart.  What I know to be true is that our Daddy is a good Daddy.  He is patient.  He awaits the day when we come to Him with all of our pain.  When we lay our hurts down at the foot of the cross.  When we open our hands into a receiving position and give Him everything.  When we posture our hearts in a way that He can fill in that God shaped hole. 

I have had a vision that I want to share with you.  Please let this permeate your very being… 

I have been battered, broken and beaten.  I am bloody, my clothes are torn and stained.  I am a mess.  I am weeping, I hurt so badly.  I see my Daddy in the distance and I start running toward Him.  Tears are streaming down my face.  I don’t know if I can make it to Him, but I use every last bit of strength I have.  He is dressed in fine robes.  He is royalty, you know.  He opens His arms to me and I run into Him weeping, broken, bloody, battered and beaten.  He embraces me.  He doesn’t pay any attention to his robes getting dirty and bloody.  He holds me and He cries with me.  He lets me stay cradled in His lap until I am spent and can cry no longer.  Then, He gently wipes the blood and dirt off of me.  He dresses me in robes.  He calls me His bride…

I have had a really hard time realizing that my identity comes from my Daddy and not that of this world.  My entire life I have felt as if I were a throwaway.  That I was actually a mistake and there was no purpose for my existence. 

When I was around 6 years old, I was adopted by my parents who I call my parents today.  It was my 6th birthday present, I think.  I was so excited that I finally had a family to call my own!  Trying to start a new life, they gave me a new name.  I was born as Vanessa Marie.  I had to put that identity behind me and grow into Kelli Sue.  I remember the endless tape recording that it took to “memorize” my new identity.  “My name is Vanessa Marie…no, no, sorry, my name is Kelli Sue Ward.”  My parents never meant any harm by renaming me – they just wanted a fresh start, but in my childish mind, what was really happening, was that I needed to be changed into someone brand new because the old me wasn’t good enough.  Maybe this new identity would make me worthy, to make me someone of value.  I wanted to be accepted for who I was…

I am in process.  What I am slowing (snail like) coming to realize is that God doesn’t make crap.  He thought up each and every one of us.  He personally chose our gifts, abilities and talents.  He formed us in our mothers wombs.  But, the most important thing is that HE, the Creator of the universe, wanted and desired us to be here, in fellowship with Him as part of the Bride.  We are not accidents.

It wasn't until later that I realized, through theophostic prayer, that God used both identities to form me into who I am today...Vanessa means butterfly.  For those who really know me, butterflies bring me face to face with Jesus.  I have been that way for as long as I could remember.  Whenever I see a butterfly, I delight in the fact that Jesus is with me.  My heart expanded as I realized that Daddy knew (and treasured/delighted in) that intimate detail about me.  Kelli means warrior.  (smiling)  That is me.  I war on behalf of those I love.  I war in the spiritual and I war in the natural - through prayer and intercession, not physically.  I fight for people to be free...

God made me a worshipper, so music speaks volumes to my spirit.  This is one of my fave’s…

LeCrea  - Lyrics to The Bride :
[Hook:]
Yeah she may look gritty
When her man come back she gone look so pretty - She the Church
You might see her acting crazy, be patient with her tho cause she still God's baby - She the Church
Before you dis her get to know her, Jesus got a thing fo her and died just to show her - She the Church
She ain't bricks and buildings
She all of God's people Men women and children

[Verse 1:]
A building of beings being constructed
Christ is the cornerstone, foundation build on another and you's a goner holmes
She' built on em, supported by him, conformed to him, now she's a body of bodies who transform through him
A temple that breathes we are the halls,
We are the floor board or more we are the walls
Manifold wisdom of God no longer a mystery
The church is the pinnacle of our salvific history
One flesh union homie
The Tri-union is glorified through our corporatized communion
Still the present reality is she was born a casualty though she's made alive
She's affected by depravity
Once lived in sin and enslaved by her lust and
Folks catch her slippin and they turn away disgusted
She's a work in progress Christ is the head of her
And He wash her clean with the words that he done said to her
She's already pretty but she's really not dressed and sometimes she look silly but she's far from a mess
Yes, please so don't be dissin cause Jesus done paid grip an
And if you didn't then should caller her Misses. I'm talking bout the church

[Verse 2:]
Her name is ecclesia meaning the the assembly
Bows to (the Trinity) No other Divinity
A body family and community she is all one
But on earth you see her in congregational small ones
A microcosm or a small scale example
But yes it is the church even though it's just a sample
Invisible spiritual
Physical visible
Not a brick temple never that simple
This a not a building
She is not bricks
She's a world changer but ain't bout getting rich
Perpetrating fakes cause a lot of folks to hate
Plus her hands get dirty and her feet get scraped
And sometimes her body parts start acting outa place
Legs tryna be arms
Arms thinking they the face
But she'll never be replaced with a one man band or a small Taliban with no body in command

[Verse 3:]
Some don't get it so they hate
They say she's on a paper chase they say she's really fake
So they go start a ministry so they can do the work
But they don't understand how Jesus feel about His church
And yeah they make disciples
They got plenty conversions
They take care of the widows and the orphans they be workin
But none of them are churchin
No church structure
No elders and no discipline
They don't have a conductor
And they so they don't submit
But quite a few of them baptize
People how I pray that you'd look at this thing from God's eyes
Take responsibility inside the whole council not just the area where you might have a mouthful
Who should people submit to
Who will conduct the discipline
If excommunicated what body will they be missing then
Look at Ephesians 4 where Paul gets practical
1st timothy and Titus if you thinking I'm irrational
Yeah she may look gritty
When her man come back she gone look so pretty - She the Church
You might see her acting crazy, be patient with her tho cause she still God's baby - She the Church
Before you dis her get to know her, Jesus got a thing fo her and died just to show her - She the Church
She ain't bricks and buildings
She all of God's people Men women and children

[Verse 1:]
A building of beings being constructed
Christ is the cornerstone, foundation build on another and you's a goner holmes
She' built on em, supported by him, conformed to him, now she's a body of bodies who transform through him
A temple that breathes we are the halls,
We are the floor board or more we are the walls
Manifold wisdom of God no longer a mystery
The church is the pinnacle of our salvific history
One flesh union homie
The Tri-union is glorified through our corporatized communion
Still the present reality is she was born a casualty though she's made alive
She's affected by depravity
Once lived in sin and enslaved by her lust and
Folks catch her slippin and they turn away disgusted
She's a work in progress Christ is the head of her
And He wash her clean with the words that he done said to her
She's already pretty but she's really not dressed and sometimes she look silly but she's far from a mess
Yes, please so don't be dissin cause Jesus done paid grip an
And if you didn't then should caller her Misses. I'm talking bout the church

[Verse 2:]
Her name is ecclesia meaning the the assembly
Bows to (the Trinity) No other Divinity
A body family and community she is all one
But on earth you see her in congregational small ones
A microcosm or a small scale example
But yes it is the church even though it's just a sample
Invisible spiritual
Physical visible
Not a brick temple never that simple
This a not a building
She is not bricks
She's a world changer but ain't bout getting rich
Perpetrating fakes cause a lot of folks to hate
Plus her hands get dirty and her feet get scraped
And sometimes her body parts start acting outa place
Legs tryna be arms
Arms thinking they the face
But she'll never be replaced with a one man band or a small Taliban with no body in command

[Verse 3:]
Some don't get it so they hate
They say she's on a paper chase they say she's really fake
So they go start a ministry so they can do the work
But they don't understand how Jesus feel about His church
And yeah they make disciples
They got plenty conversions
They take care of the widows and the orphans they be workin
But none of them are churchin
No church structure
No elders and no discipline
They don't have a conductor
And they so they don't submit
But quite a few of them baptize
People how I pray that you'd look at this thing from God's eyes
Take responsibility inside the whole council not just the area where you might have a mouthful
Who should people submit to
Who will conduct the discipline
If excommunicated what body will they be missing then
Look at Ephesians 4 where Paul gets practical
1st timothy and Titus if you thinking I'm irrational



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