Thursday, March 31, 2011

Age 4-5

Ok, so now this is more real. I have started a blog to tell my story. Typically, at this point, I would run for the hills. I would do everything in my power to shut people out so they couldn't get close - so they wouldn't see who I really was/am. I would shut down my blog and build my wall again. But this time...well, that's not an option. I am scared...but...I am sensing a call on my life that is bigger than me and my insecurities (I say this humbly, as God can do all things for His purpose/plan/will to be done). Once again, I say, "Satan, move behind me", and run toward freedom from the blanket of darkness that was cast on me a long time ago.

NOTE: My age in these stories are questionable. I have no scale for age, so I am guessing on what I have been told.

Jesus did save me that day at the truckstop. He protected me. I don't have any recollection of what happened during those 13 hours alone, but I have peace knowing that my Daddy held me as my bio mom abandoned me.

Once the social worker picked me up, I was taken to my bio mom's sisters house. I will call her Aunt B. As soon as the social worker left, she stripped off all of my clothes and started burning me with cigarettes. I never understood what I did to deserve the things she did to me, but I supposed that I was just in denial over the horrible child I was. Aunt B. was addicted to drugs and maybe that was what made her do as she did. In order to get drugs, I was "traded". Favors for drugs. Not quite 5 years old. This season of life is something that has completely escaped my thoughts. God's protection maybe...or my denial. I don't remember details. My mind just skips over that chapter of my life.

Aunt B. hated me with everything inside of her, but so did her kids. I remember dying...or thinking I was going to die. Her kids "hung" me from the top bunk of their bunkbed (my neck was hanging between the bed and the wall). Luckily, someone came in and rescued me before I passed out.

When I wasn't the object of Aunt B's (or her kids') wrath, she locked me in a closet for days at a time. She didn't feed me, I didn't have anything to do. But, at least I was safe in there.

I don't know how it happened (my mind has no recollection yet), but I was taken away from her and put into a hospital for a very long time (I have heard a year). I was in the hospital for malnutrition. Makes sense when you aren't fed. Think of one of those kiddo's on the St Jude commercials. Belly protruding. Yep. That was me. My only visitor was my mom who I now call mom. She brought me a doll that played sounds.

I was happy in the hospital. The nurses loved me. Christmas went by and I got little gifts and candies. Easter went by and I got to meet the Easter bunny.

I would get so excited for the attention that I took advantage that my nurses would be there all the time. I remember hitting the "call" button to tell them all about the TV show I was watching. They scolded me that I could only use the button for something serious. I had nose bleeds so bad (still not sure why) that I would wake up and my entire bed would be covered in blood. One morning I woke up and the entire bed was soaked in blood. Smugly, knowing I had an excuse to call my favorite ladies, I hit the "call" button. My nurse came in and immediately started weeping. I wasn't sure why she was crying, but I thought I had upset her. I didn't hit the "call" button after that. be continued

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Free Indeed

"We can only love because we are born out of love, that we can only give because our life is a gift, and that we can only make others free because we are set free by Him whose heart is greater than ours"

I don't know about you, but Daddy has been transforming my life, my heart, my ways in the past several weeks. Many of you know what it is like to be a parent. When you have your first child, your heart overflows with an in-dwelling of love. You know without a doubt that you could love no bigger. But, now imagine another child. What happens? Does this mean that you have no love left for your second child. I have imagined this scenario many times in my heart and head. I think it comes from a place of disbelief that Daddy loves us all so completely and so individually. What Daddy has been teaching me over these past several weeks is that He purposed us into existence. He thought of each one of us before we were born. He dreamily created us in His mind before creating us with His hands. He envisioned our gifts and abilities. He knit us into our mothers womb as a one-and-only creation. What I have come to realize is that after child number 1 our heart doesn't wither up and die. It expands. It lengthens, widens, deepens. It grows larger to love another equally. We are different people, you and I. It doesn't make us better than another. Our gifts aren't more usable than another. We are loved the same by the King of Kings. He is fond of us all. We are all His favorites.

I ask that during these next weeks and months, that you forge your identity in Christ - with truth as your guide, not lies from the past, not the identity that others have spoken over you. I pray that you give yourself an honest assessment of how you feel about yourself and then note the truth of our Daddy: He says, "I enjoy you, I love you, I desire you, I delight in you and I made you exactly the way that I planned."

My heart is to see the captives set free. By that, I mean that I want to see my brothers and sisters in Christ living/walking in freedom. Living a victorious life. You have overcome the past. I pray that you are drinking deeply of His promises, of His truth, of life abundant.

Daddy, help us do as You do. Help us love as You love. Help us say as You say. Help us pray as You pray.


I don't know about you, but these last several weeks have been a time of trial, testing and shaking the very ground/foundation that I stand on. I have peace that God is in control of every situation and holds every circumstance in the palm of His hand. He uses every situation for His good and for His glory. So, my friends, my mantra still stands - with every problem, God gives us a promise and a provision. Are you being shaken? If so, let me give you a little encouragement…
Consider for a few moments your own customized shakings that have required a personal response or brought about a life change; some that have actually helped shape you into the person you are today. Certainly some deal with more severe, extended, or frequent types of "shakings" than others.
The entire chapter of Psalm 107 describes the shakings that took place while the Jews were exiled in Babylon. The ultimate reason for these shakings was to guide these people to God so they could recognize their blessings were from Him. When we keep the eternal perspective in the midst of our difficulties we will be quick to recognize the Lord's blessings and breathe a sigh that we have a faithful God who cares very deeply for our individual process…without looking too deeply into the earthly reasoning behind it.

Shakings are an inevitable part of our journey, so we might as well get used to it and learn to deal with it. Here is a promise we can depend on - We are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken. We can find peace about our unpredictable future here on earth by purposefully focusing our attention on our promised future in heaven where our citizenship (adopted by Daddy) lies in a "kingdom that cannot be shaken."

Our journey through this life is but a transition to the future Kingdom God has prepared for us. I am convinced that very early in eternity we will recognize how brief our earthly journey really was, although since at this time earthly is all we know, it seems long and wholly significant!

That said, I want to encourage you all today to get the utmost out of your "shakings". I believe that these times of transition are relative to the final outcome of our individual identities. I wish to be all that God wants me to be. I pray that Daddy hold's you during your times of shaking, but uses this time to bring you into the fullness of who you are.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Age 4

There is goodness and badness in everyone.  Don't think you don't have it in you to do something way out of your character.  Given a curious circumstance, anything can happen.

My mom left me at a truckstop when I was 4 years old.  She was running away because she was supposed to serve 6 months jail time for being busted for prostitution.  I remember it being a nice, warm, sunshiney day.  I was wearing a white pair of underwear.  I was looking up at my mom (she looked very tall with my 4 year old eyes!).  She was quiet and I heard myself say, "Momma, I'm gonna be alright."  She looked at me briefly, turned around and walked away.  I just watched her walk away.  I didn't say anything.  I didn't chase after her.  I just watched.  13 hours later, I was picked up by a social worker.

Up until recently, I hadn't been able to remember beyond that.  During my life since then, I had thought about that time as a story...part of who I was, but a story that I was pretty separated from.  Until...I noticed patterns in my life.  Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, thoughts that I was a "throw away".  A "worthless" attitude.  I have to laugh now.  I always thought that I was completely unscathed by my past.  During the past few months, God has been working on me, layer by layer, ugly by ugly, stain by stain, putting me head first into the pit of my past. 

I was pretty upset with God for a while.  I thought, "Who in their right mind would do that?!?!  Who would give up their child like that?  God, where were you in all of this?"  It wasn't until I had a theophostic session that I really understood.  Theophostic is inviting God into those places of brokenness in our lives.  Not just inviting Him, but provoking an intimate dealing with the problem at hand.  Getting to the core of a problem, running head first toward it and yanking it matter how badly it hurts.  After an hour and a half of sobbing/weeping, God showed me a picture.  After my mom turned around and walked away, I turned around.  And there He was.  My Daddy, Jesus, reaching His hand out to me.  I take it with no hesitation.  But before we walk away, I turn around and reach my other hand out toward my mom.  She didn't take my hand.  It didn't bother me, though.  I was safe in the arms of my Daddy. be continued


Ok, so I write better than I speak.  When I speak, I stumble around with my words and I can't relay the full intent of my heart.  So, this blog is going to be my therapy.  Ever since I was a little kid, I would go into my little world of writing (songs, short stories) to get away from my reality, or to voice my opinions because I was too afraid to as a child.  The purpose of this blog is to stop running away from, and start running to a greater realization of why I was put on this earth - my identity in Christ.  Who is Kelli Ward?  Why did the God of the universe (my Daddy) choose me for "such a time as this"?  Will you take this journey with me?  I encourage you to ask questions, to dig deeper into the recesses of who I am.  Be gentle with me, for I am a work in progress.  I pray that this blog isn't only healing for me, but that it touches you in those tender places, as well. 

Daddy, I ask that you bless this endeavor of the heart.  You have planted a seedling in my heart and confirmed it in my spirit.  I ask that you water it, that you fertilize it and that you protect it as a precious sacrifice to You.  I pray that with every word written, a stone falls, a wall is broken and a bridge is built. I wish to live in freedom once and for all.  Thank you for your faithfulness.  Thank you for an army of believers standing beside me and behind me.  Let my thoughts be your thoughts, Daddy.  Guard my thoughts, words and actions always.  I love you, my King. Amen