Monday, March 28, 2011

Age 4

There is goodness and badness in everyone.  Don't think you don't have it in you to do something way out of your character.  Given a curious circumstance, anything can happen.

My mom left me at a truckstop when I was 4 years old.  She was running away because she was supposed to serve 6 months jail time for being busted for prostitution.  I remember it being a nice, warm, sunshiney day.  I was wearing a white pair of underwear.  I was looking up at my mom (she looked very tall with my 4 year old eyes!).  She was quiet and I heard myself say, "Momma, I'm gonna be alright."  She looked at me briefly, turned around and walked away.  I just watched her walk away.  I didn't say anything.  I didn't chase after her.  I just watched.  13 hours later, I was picked up by a social worker.

Up until recently, I hadn't been able to remember beyond that.  During my life since then, I had thought about that time as a story...part of who I was, but a story that I was pretty separated from.  Until...I noticed patterns in my life.  Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, thoughts that I was a "throw away".  A "worthless" attitude.  I have to laugh now.  I always thought that I was completely unscathed by my past.  During the past few months, God has been working on me, layer by layer, ugly by ugly, stain by stain, putting me head first into the pit of my past. 

I was pretty upset with God for a while.  I thought, "Who in their right mind would do that?!?!  Who would give up their child like that?  God, where were you in all of this?"  It wasn't until I had a theophostic session that I really understood.  Theophostic is inviting God into those places of brokenness in our lives.  Not just inviting Him, but provoking an intimate dealing with the problem at hand.  Getting to the core of a problem, running head first toward it and yanking it matter how badly it hurts.  After an hour and a half of sobbing/weeping, God showed me a picture.  After my mom turned around and walked away, I turned around.  And there He was.  My Daddy, Jesus, reaching His hand out to me.  I take it with no hesitation.  But before we walk away, I turn around and reach my other hand out toward my mom.  She didn't take my hand.  It didn't bother me, though.  I was safe in the arms of my Daddy. be continued


  1. Please note: when I say "my mom", I mean my biological mother, no the mom that I call mom. My mom that is a mother to me is an inspiration and a blessing. I love you Momma.

  2. Hey my dear sister in faith. Since I met you I have awaited the time when God put it on your heart to share your testimony. This blog will speak to all who read it in the way God wants to each. I pray a blessing over you and your works and I am anticipating your next installment. If it helps, I have read that the best way to write something is to work ob it at the same time Bailey or a couple times a week on the same days. Loves, hugs, and God's blessings.